As you know, this election is the most important election in our lifetimes. Experts say it may even be the most important election since the formation of the universe over 6,000 years ago!
Experts also say that if your candidate loses and the other candidate wins, democracy and freedom will be destroyed for all of eternity. The only way to stop the apocalypse is to vote as hard as you can and totally own the other side!
To ensure success on voting day, be sure to follow these important tips:
- Call Mark Zuckerberg on the phone to ensure you’re at the right voting place.
- Binge-watch Sean Hannity and Rachel Maddow the night before so you’ll be fully informed.
- Look for any candidate with an “R” next to their name and vote for him so Jesus won’t cry.
- Look for any candidate with a “D” next to their name and vote for them to end racism forever.
- Make sure and write the correct answers on your arm so you can refer to them while voting.
- Remember, not voting is the same as being a member of Antifa or the KKK.
- Bring extra Hydroxychloroquine with you and pass it out to everyone so you can all stay safe!
- Cough all over your ballot so Russian agents won’t touch it and tamper with it.
- Go into the voting booth with your wife to make sure you approve of her choice.
- If you are a Calvinist, close your eyes and vote for random people to place it all in God’s hands.
- Host a MAGA tailgate party outside the polling station, even if you’re a Biden voter. Biden parties are lame.
- If you are made to wait in line for any length of time, scream “VOTER SUPPRESSION!” at the top of your lungs.
- Take the time to listen to a woman of color and ask how she would vote– like Candace Owens.
- Don’t let the post office deliver your ballot. Instead, hand-deliver your ballot directly to President Trump.
- Bring a basin of water so you can wash your hands after voting like Pontius Pilate.
- Pray. Or don’t, whatever, it’s cool. You do you!
We hope you find this guide beneficial. Now it’s time to vote and save our democracy from the evil other half of the country! Go get ’em champ!
A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!